I think I have to really take a step back... to fully comprehend what my life is all about I cant precieve it through my own eyes. So if try to look at my life as an outsider, what whould I think of myself?
Well, I see someone who has, for the most part, faced her demons, and realized that moving ahead and being a mature, responsible individual will get her alot farther than the rotten dreams and hopes she wished for in previous years. I's see a young woman who is scared; worried about the future that is ahead. Worried more than anything about her mother, who is holding on to life by nearing a thread. She knows the severity of her mother, but just cant come to terms with the fact that she's not getting any better. It upsets her, to see her mom so sick from chemos yet have nothing to show for it but a even higher count than the month before. She sees her father, whom even though she loves, she cannot stand. A brother who is loving, compassionate, and yearns for affection.... she sees him trying to grow, very lost as she once was. In hand causes a extra worry.... will he want to rebel against us all ? Will he be just as kind as he is now nbut will older features? Or will he spend his adolensence days scoulding us and being a total pain in thee ass?

Its different... me writing as if i was someone else. Im sure noone can really see all that i wrote because noone knows all to what extent my life entails. However, I feel that people know I am afriad. It is probably because I feel scared all the time. No problem ever leaves my mind, not even for a second. Its a constant battle to keep on my feet when I feel that all these problems, and worries are too big for me to take on, to big for me to face. But then I realize Life is So Much More Than That. I cant just let my worries and fears run my life, even though it is much easier said than done.


"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."


So I have a thing for guys that just really dont give a fuck about what people think of them.
I love a man who does not follow the crowd and who you can tell that they are the sweetest guys ever!
So i am YET to find him!



Celeb Crush ;]




So today I guess will just be a chill day. I want to hit thee gym, and the club at night. Something tells me i wont do either.

I HATE not being able to do what i want.... I thought once i got out of highschool that i wuld surely have a say.... Nope still dont. So thats where thee need for a car is, once i am lisenced up and mobile.... I will be gone! I dont even want to go anywhere bad, or do anything bad. I just want to do places when i feel like going! Haha.

Anywho.... Juan stopped textn me point blankly last night.... That fuckn annoyed me because i hate being shuned by guys. I hate feeling inferior and disposable, not mattter how many times i say im gunna change it up this time. I dont. I end up in thee same perdictament. I think its cause of my incapability to not give in, my heart easily weakens for affection and i am perpetually draw into that person before i know it.

This shit is saddening me. Im going to get up from bed and eat some cereal.